I sat online for hours without IMing the three people I'll talk to even if I'm in a bad mood.  There was no motivation to do that, or anything.  Winter mood set in really badly, all at once.  They ended up IMing me, even though I was invis.  And I answered.. But I couldnt respond properly, I just wanted them to shut up.  I was lonely, far past my endurance levels, exausted..


And so I went to bed abnormally early.  And that was the best thing I could have done.
There was a very brief dream early last night, and it's given me means to recover.

Kinda like the night visits to Mike's house (which havent happened for over a week, also part of my bad mood).

For just those few minutes, I was cradled against him.
There were no words.. Just that.






Yes yes, sappy. :]

Inevitably, February gets closer.
And I hate it.  I could almost hate him.
Something.. Something..

Ko cant explain it.  I cant ever find out.
And it hurts and burns and festers.

While I do my best to struggle through it.
Death is nothing, nothing to be afraid of.
Or be wary of-
But it takes people away regardless.




Thats why when the current 'he' speaks of it so lightly..
I wonder if he's ever had that experience.
Well, clearly not.  He does not act like one-
Who has truely faced such a thing.




Regardless.  I live.
Struggle.  Fight.  Refuse to be weak.
Whatever caused him to..
I hope he's better off now.





Sometimes, when my thoughts wander ungaurded, I daydream of the wretched things I could do.  Humans are so, so very fragile.  Even without meaning to, I can harm and injure anyone who gets close to me.. physically or mentally.  I wonder what conditions in my life lead me to be able to contemplate shredding a loved one under bare nails while touching them gently with caresses.  I wonder if I will always have the control to ignore these thoughts and push them aside.